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Until There's Nothing Left
...to die would be an awfully big adventure
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11th-Apr-2014 09:30 pm - #1 Reason
Yesterday on the radio I heard that the number one reason that men break up with women is hygiene. Yes ladies I said hygiene! This is baffling to me. Men are concerned about your body odor, skanky teeth, ratty hair and scent coming from your nether region. They care so much in fact that if you're not taking care of yourself they are kicking you to the curb. I have a little advertising campaign I came up with... "Dirty ASS??? Clean it up!"

I guess I'm lucky in that I'm not only obsessive about my weight but also my personal cleanliness.

An employee said yesterday "wow you're making me feel bad...you eat so healthy" ...I felt like telling her she should try eating healthy because she's about 150 lbs. overweight but I'm not mean and to each their own. I eat around 200-300 calories at lunch. I eat a 70 calorie breakfast and little bit of protein at dinner and nothing after 6 p.m. those are the rules. Right now anyway. so right around 500-800 calories a day. I can do better...I've said it before...800 calories is too much.
10th-Apr-2014 10:16 pm - Visitors from the past
I am a victim of old demons that resurface as much as I am an instigator of allowing it. I'm not perfect. I try so hard to force my emotions down but mostly I am just in a downward spiral trying desperately to swim against the current. Funny how something as simple as standing on a scale watching my life teeter into unthinkable numbers can trigger inevitable responses. Inevitable to who? Most have the will power of a different sort. Most wouldn't allow this sort of weight gain to happen in the first place. I, on the other hand allowed it to the extreme and now I must fix it. Let's never mind the fact that it's a choice with most level headed adults...for me anyway this is not a choice. This is somehow my destiny. Standing on that scale told me two things; one I am a miserable failure and two I MUST fix this.

I call this quest making 'healthier choices' but we all know what that means; or at least people who truly know me know what that means. Come to think of it, does anyone truly know or understand me? Not likely. If you don't read it in this journal you will most certainly never hear it from me. This is my place. I speak freely here which is why I will never put my name on anything. You will know me as breathless_f8. Speaking of the name...it too is my destiny. My fate. Breathless.

How it works:

Today...Less than 800 calories. I have to do better. 800 is almost 1000 and 1000 is intolerable. It's about control and while everything in my life is spinning out I can grab on to the most significant reigns and succeed. My body is not anyone else's (except when I choose to give my body to someone else) ...I can and will do with it what I want. If fixing it means controlling what I put into it...that's all mine.
8th-Apr-2014 07:04 pm - Re-Occurring ED's
A thought occurred to me while I was sitting at lunch with my work colleagues. I don't believe I will ever be ED free. I know this because after years of refusing to get on a scale I finally stepped on one and revisited my personal hell yesterday. The numbers don't lie. The numbers were yelling cruel things. The whispers returned; relentless and haunting..."you're taking up too much space, you've let yourself go and you're taking up too much space in this world." For years I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I started to "love myself" for who I was and not for what the mirror or the scales reflected. I let myself go. Just one time on the scale and the love I had for myself came crashing down all around me. I went one step further and looked at myself in the mirror. Really looked at myself. I wanted to cry. I had spent so much time listening to everyone tell me that I was pretty that I failed to see what was truly happening to me. I ballooned up to the point of needing to lose nearly one hundred pounds. How did this happen? Why did I leave my only friend?

While the thought of committing social suicide isn't exactly convenient because of my job, the idea that my friend is still somehow with me is comforting. She sees me for my potential. She doesn't lie to me when I get on the scale. She doesn't sugarcoat the facts. "You're taking up too much space," she whispers softly in my ear...she will tell me this until I've met and exceeded my goal; until there's nothing left but a delicate rib cage and jutting hip bones. She will tell me "you're taking up too much space," until I take up as little space as I possibly can. Until I teeter on the hinges of a paper thin non-existence. I am welcoming her back in to my life. For now she's my only truthful friend.
7th-Apr-2014 05:50 pm - Dropping Bombs
I am the 'F' bomb queen. I started dropping this colorful language at age of eight when I realized my older sister infuriated me to the point of tears nearly every day. I can't tell you the exact moment it happened but I can tell you I vomited the word fuck out of my mouth like a classic scene from the Exorcist. I'm almost positive my head did a full 360.

"Fuck you, you fuckin cunt bitch fuck whore...fuckin fat ass bitch fucker..." I kept at it for at least 10 or 15 minutes...like a runaway train whose containers were overflowing with the taboo "F" word. She threatened to tell the parents. My response "FUCK YOU!!!!"

Over the years I just incorporated fuck as an every day language. If I saw an over abundance of something I referred to it as a 'fuck load'. If I questioned something I asked "are you fucking serious?" If something was extraordinary..."fucking cool" ...if I didn't want to do something "fuck no!" If I did..."fuck yes!" I would say for me it's the most overused slang in my vocabulary.

Now obviously this rubbed off on my daughter and while the older generation doesn't get it (i.e. consider it highly disrespectful) I do. I feel bad. She gets much flack for her colorful language. The same language she grew up hearing repeatedly. The only way she knows how to express herself...I did that. To my family who continues to persecute my daughter for being raised by my foul mouth...all I can say is...whatfuckingever!
6th-Apr-2014 03:37 pm - Back to the Writing Board
Writers sometimes lose the "umph" to write. I never thought I would fall victim to 'writers block' or that I would ever go some four years without producing a single thought to put on paper. It was all a blur but it finally happened. I did it. I hit the proverbial brick wall and it knocked me out cold. Four years. As the hours turned into weeks and the weeks to months I struggled to form a sentence that didn't start with "On a cold and rainy night... ... ... ... ..." NOTHING. I sometimes wonder if my world was so cheery that I neglected to even realize I wasn't writing. Maybe my life was so bleak I figured "why write at all?" It's possible I just wandered around in a trance like state from life's overwhelming body slams. Around every positive corner slammed a negative door. Whatever the reason for my absence I have decided today April 6, 2014 to venture out of this limbo nothingness and make my presence known in the blogging world!

Chances are I won't succeed. Chances are I'm too late...but I'm here now.

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