WOW. I am exactly where I was the last time I posted in this journal. EXACTLY. I just finished eating a bowl of mushrooms. 15 calories. I had some Sciracha sauce on it... 10 calories...and I fucking haven't changed. My ED and depression is still fully in tact. What an eye opener. If it hadn't been for my birthday and my friend and the fact that I checked my spam folder looking for craigslist replies on my lawn mower...I would have never known. I guess I just muddle through life on a roller coaster loving the highs and accepting the lows and starving in between to try and grasp anything that might seem real.
I got divorced from that total fucking prick of mine. The long and short of it is that we just grew apart.
I bought a house with an amazing man. I got remarried to that same wonderful man. He makes me laugh and he makes me happy that I'm alive and still I struggle with self image. With thinking I'm good enough...I know he deserves better. I know I will be too much for him in the long run. He'll start to wonder why he even comes home. Today I was in the fetal position all day in bed crying because some girl at his work who is younger and prettier and of course smaller than me talks to him. WTF???? He's got to talk to his co-workers. He's NOT Rob. He doesn't think he has to flirt or fantasize about or fuck them. He is one thousand percent in love with me. He's never been married...he's had several opportunities and YES women have tried to marry him but he wanted nothing to do with that...he said he was waiting for the right girl...and YES that girl happened to be me. So here I am. Looking at my fat ass... (gained 18 lbs. since he met me) and thinking HOW THE FUCK are you in love with me. It must be a joke.
25 calories later and I'm questioning why I ate so much...it seemed like a lot. I mean it really seemed like a lot to me. I was going to fast until I lost 10 lbs. WHY did I eat? I totally threw fasting out the fucking window after 28 hours? WEAK! I can do better...I CAN DO BETTER.
Nope...Nothing's changed except now...now I'm in love.