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Until There's Nothing Left
...to die would be an awfully big adventure
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12th-Aug-2016 11:13 am - Pound for pound

Yesterday scales said "you're a fucking failure... How do you sleep at night?"

Today scales said "wow! 8 pounds? Bravo... Patience is a virtue"

I'm thinking *wtf was i balled up in the fetal position crying like a little bitch for, when today I'm happy as a clam in butter garlic sauce?*

I must have lost alot of water weight in tears.

11th-Aug-2016 07:16 pm - ???
Holy mother of fuck!!! I still log all my shit in mfp and post on the mpa boards!!! Does it get anymore UNCHANGED than that????
11th-Aug-2016 04:47 pm - Literally no change...
WOW. I am exactly where I was the last time I posted in this journal. EXACTLY. I just finished eating a bowl of mushrooms. 15 calories. I had some Sciracha sauce on it... 10 calories...and I fucking haven't changed. My ED and depression is still fully in tact. What an eye opener. If it hadn't been for my birthday and my friend and the fact that I checked my spam folder looking for craigslist replies on my lawn mower...I would have never known. I guess I just muddle through life on a roller coaster loving the highs and accepting the lows and starving in between to try and grasp anything that might seem real.

I got divorced from that total fucking prick of mine. The long and short of it is that we just grew apart.

I bought a house with an amazing man. I got remarried to that same wonderful man. He makes me laugh and he makes me happy that I'm alive and still I struggle with self image. With thinking I'm good enough...I know he deserves better. I know I will be too much for him in the long run. He'll start to wonder why he even comes home. Today I was in the fetal position all day in bed crying because some girl at his work who is younger and prettier and of course smaller than me talks to him. WTF???? He's got to talk to his co-workers. He's NOT Rob. He doesn't think he has to flirt or fantasize about or fuck them. He is one thousand percent in love with me. He's never been married...he's had several opportunities and YES women have tried to marry him but he wanted nothing to do with that...he said he was waiting for the right girl...and YES that girl happened to be me. So here I am. Looking at my fat ass... (gained 18 lbs. since he met me) and thinking HOW THE FUCK are you in love with me. It must be a joke.

25 calories later and I'm questioning why I ate so much...it seemed like a lot. I mean it really seemed like a lot to me. I was going to fast until I lost 10 lbs. WHY did I eat? I totally threw fasting out the fucking window after 28 hours? WEAK! I can do better...I CAN DO BETTER.

Nope...Nothing's changed except now...now I'm in love.
10th-May-2014 07:34 pm - MPA and MFP
Well...I haven't been here much because I spend most or all of my time on MPA (My Pro Ana) and MFP (My Fitness Pal)...I've lost 16 lbs. so far. No I'm not eating enough calories but I am losing the weight. I'm currently obsessed with eating "healthy" foods only. I eat absolutely no sugar or sugar substitute. No breads or pastas. Really what I eat is fresh vegetables (raw), fresh fruit (raw) and lean proteins. And folks that's it.

I'm doing great...or at least I feel great.
20th-Apr-2014 05:45 pm - Hmmmm...
727 calories today. I've found my new favorite food. "Eat Smart Broccoli Slaw" a good size portion is only 25 calories and the whole bag is only 75. I split it up in 3 servings. Anyway it all raw, fresh veges :)

I do hate that I went over the coveted 500 calorie top shelf but it was less than 800 so ok...I will breathe for now. I really like the idea of Orthorexia as opposed to anorexia which I think eventually become the same thing. Orthorexics are overly concerned with eating healthy...so obsessed actually...that they feel superior to those who feed themselves processed foods...or any food they deem unacceptable according to their healthy standards. I like this. It makes sense not to eat processed foods...of any sort really. Isnt the goal to be healthy?

In other news...

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I guess that's not exactly news.
19th-Apr-2014 09:11 pm - Stripper Dreams
A friend of mine told me about a strip club that has amateur night on Sundays. I asked what the pay out was and he said $ 2000.00. WTF? I'm so all over that! Not to mention the fact that it's great motivation. I can dance. I truly can...but I'm not in shape. SOOOOOO ....guess what? Exactly.

I havent' eaten much today. I forgot to eat anything until 5 P.M. almost 24 hours. I remember when I would post the number of hours it had been since I ate at the very beginning of my journal "breathless_sin" ...before I'd even start the post it would be "9" then a new paragraph then the post. The next day would be "21" then a new paragraph then a post...I got all the way up to "119" before I ate a mushroom...gotta love those little bastards.

I went to work today and stuffed plastic easter eggs with candy and then hid them for the residents. I didn't even eat one. I'm proud of myself for that. Not that is took will power but that I've conditioned my brain so much that it didn't. I didn't even need will power. I didn't even really think about eating one. It never even crossed my mind. Yesterday wasn't so good. I ate lunch and couldn't count the calories because there were so many ingredients. That actually bothers me. I like to keep things simple so I know exactly what I'm taking in. You can't do that unless you keep it simple. One ingredient foods is the only good way to do that.

I'm thinking about quitting my job. I spend 220.00 in gas every two weeks to get there. So I don't make squat anyway. Plus it's a fuck load of work. I want the summer to my self I think.

If I think of anything else to share...I will do another post :)
17th-Apr-2014 10:43 pm - 500 club
464 calories today...according to MyFitnessPal. It was my only accomplishment on the day. My job had me in tears all day. Some snitch bitch told on me for something so stupid...I wanted to go off campus for lunch and I said well the bosses go why can't I? And omg I got pulled in the office and lectured for a fucking hour about how they are salary and we are paid hourly and blah blah blah. It sucked. They said I was 'disgruntled' WHATFUCKINGEVER!!!
16th-Apr-2014 09:23 pm - Easter
I'd like to pat myself on the back but there was no change on the scale today. Even though all week I avoided potatoes, candy and desserts...breaded, fried or greasy foods...if it wasn't green and uncooked I didn't eat it. So today I ate 70 calorie breakfast...(baby food) and for lunch I had two turkey burgers (just the patty) and a small wedge of lettuce with a slice of tomato and a slice of onion and two circus peanuts. I have skipped dinner. I don't know what that adds up to but I know it's not much. Oh wait! Standby I have 'MyFitnessPal' I will go look... OKAY so 620 calories total today. I don't know how I feel about that exactly.

We colored easter eggs today at the facility. The residents had a great time! It was kind of hard because I do so love a hard boiled egg. I didn't eat it though. I also had to make easter baskets for all the residents and I have like 5 bags of candy on my counter right now...haven't eaten a single piece. I guess for what it's worth I'm doing ok. I need to stay off the damn scale...it's killing my self esteem.

In other news I've been watching the world deteriorate at an alarming rate. I can only hope that some major catastrophic event puts us in our place...makes us appreciate our neighbors. IDK I get contemplative about things like this.

I wish I had more to say and earlier today I had a shitload to say but right when I sat down to my journal my mind went completely blank.
13th-Apr-2014 06:02 pm - 3 lbs. since Monday
After my devastating step back onto the scales Monday morning; I'm happy to say that I've lost 3 lbs. since. Keeping in mind that I've got an assload to go.

A lot of years back I praised raw mushrooms...so I'm going to praise them again. Hardly any calories (1 cup sliced raw mushrooms is 15 calories)...a whole one takes forever to chew so it feels like you're 'eating' and they are fluffy so you also feel full.

On MYFITNESSPAL it said my goal should be 2 lbs. per week which I've already exceeded so I'm happy about that. It would be great to lose another 7 lbs. next week. So that is my goal. 10 lbs. in 2 weeks? Not great but I can live with it.

Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that women can be so unsanitary that it's the number one reason men leave them....probably be mulling that one over for years.
13th-Apr-2014 10:48 am - Food Dreams...My Nightmares
A good way to tell if you are succeeding at food restriction is not always the number on the scale but is sometimes the dreams that have you waking in panic like a phone waking you from a deep sleep. This happened to me last night.

In my dream I had a small candy bar and was "satisfied" so I thought I would have another but just the one. When I went to reach for it a buffet of candy, cakes, ice cream bars and pastries appeared. I began shoving every treat down my throat. Chewing and chewing...gasping just to swallow as fast as I could. When I woke up my heart was racing. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't remember if it was just a dream or if I had actually consumed all that shit the night before. Of course I didn't and it was just a dream but in that moment I felt powerless to food and in the following moment I damn near patted my own back realizing what had taken place.

It was just a nightmare. I can go back to sleep now.
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